As you likely know, Scientology hasn’t had the best PR in recent years with severe stories about “Going Clear” and the grab bag of celebrities cutting ties. I’m agnostic, and my favorite time in “Bible school camp” when I was 8 years old was snack time to eat Ritz crackers (not those crappy Christ wafers) so my interest in religion has long been disinterested, fairly uninformed, and mildly distrusting. However, I wanted to dive in and give my attention objectively while at my orientation. Here are a few of my takeaways from this experience:
Scientology is a “religion” with a lot of “technology” but it’s more like a cheesy global sales center enterprise believing it’s NOT from 1992. That said, it’s one hell of an enterprise with churches in more than 100 countries and the tax benefit of being categorized as a religious organization. (Damn, pretty smart, if you ask me.) Fortunately, Scientology isn’t ISIS or the Catholic church in terms of any horridly disgraceful conduct, so it is seemingly benign in that regard.
When I walked in, I was greeted warmly and escorted to a “Registar,” a confident lady who has been in Scientology for more than 20 years. I wanted to observe any sales practice here, and she had a sharp one. A few stand out quotes from our chat included, “we’re here to help your spirit,” "the technology IS the way of life," and “We help the able become more able and you don’t have to be crazy or nuts... many are quite successful business owners, like you.” She told me about how she used to a wild and crazy girl but found stability in Scientology with the “technology.” There are DOZENS of “courses” to take (for $50 each, pretty cheap) in order to get to a “Clear” level and beyond. They range from parenting, communication, business, ethics, and more. I asked if Scientology was like Landmark, ESP, AA’s 12 Step or any other one of our modern self-help discovery platforms ranging from silly to sales-y, and she insisted that ALL of those such programs followed AFTER the birth of Scientology in 1954. She seemed a bit ticked that I offered that comparison. She did mention nothing “falls from the sky,” and that one has to do the work. No praying will apparently fix your shattered soul, sadly.
Before my test, I was asked to fill out a welcome card with my phone number, address, email, how I heard of Scientology, and so forth. I put completely fake information down, as a friend (and actual Scientologist) said I would be hounded. (See office poster about pending “leads" and "signed," which I do not know completely what that even means. Like I have to sign a contract, maybe?) The paper was immediately taken away.
Next was a “personality test” which was rather bizarre and intriguing (see photos). I’m not sure how my position on a color bar or class distinction was going to play out alongside the inquiry about my abhorrence to death but see below, apparently. The brilliance with this test is that it “tells us what you need since you know yourself best.”
While that test was being graded, I was whisked to a 20-minute viewing of an intro about Scientology. The video opens with an impressive overview of ALL the church locations across the globe as if Berkshire Hathaway decided it was now adding churches to its portfolio. A soothing male voice told me that “Scientology was designed for you and all that you hold dear” and that “In the age of materialism, man has been put into effect.” I found this a tad ironic after such a grand opening showcase of clear wealth the church was clearly noting. It goes on to show how numerous countries have given Scientology the stamp of approval on “being a bonafide religion” and the IRS fully recognizes it as such. The video did state that all donations are tax-deductible. The rest of the video talks about the multiple facets of Scientology, the hierarchy, and that ALL disputes are not allowed to be handled outside the church in Civic Court. (Perhaps this was a recent edit.) There is an office reserved in every church for Rob Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, as a sign of honor. This Hubbard guy was apparently impressive, and is the world’s most prolific published author, according to the voice on the video. They also refer to Hubbard as “The Source.” Man. I wonder if Steve Jobs thought about having a reserved office in EVERY Apple store or being called “The Mind” or some other deferential title. The video is quite cheesy but calculated. There is every race and demographic represented throughout, rather like those really obvious stock photos you see for “corporate” brochures and such with everyone in gray and blue professional attire, attractive but not exceedingly so.
After the video, I was shown my scores from the test. As you see from my results, I’m in nearly “urgent need” of being “correct estimation” (the opposite of what they deem “critical”) and “appreciative” (the opposite of what they deem “lack of accord." Then I'm clearly withdrawn and lack communication. Okay, I thought. There are courses (about 12 hours each) to address each of these areas and that will “skyrocket” my scores. I told the lady, “Oh, I’m aware. I don’t give a crap what people I deem irrelevant think, and I am a hardcore critical thinker, not a feeler. ” She said the "courses would correct this, not to worry."
I then departed. Weird, yes. Slick, yes. A bit uncomfortable for 2 hours, yes. Helpful for people? Undecided. A giant self-help brand cleverly cloaked in the tax benefit of being a church? Maybe a bummer sticker could sum it up as “Fool funded soul-saving since 1954.”